


I Really Wish I Hated You (Won't You Say Something)

by AYeti



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst with no happy ending, But I'm not sorry, Damn, Gen, I was listening to Blink-182 and I was like, I would apologize, if that ain't season 5 Lena then idk what is, it's all just sad, my first ever one, no projecting to see here folks, none at all, this is a song fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-17 15:35:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28602309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AYeti/pseuds/AYeti
Summary: Blink-182 I Really Wish I Hated You inspired fic for Lena at the beginning of Season 5. Idk why I never posted it. It's all angst and there is no happy ending, but like, nobody dies so it's cool. We all know it works out in the show.
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor, but not really - Relationship
Comments: 3
Kudos: 20





	I Really Wish I Hated You (Won't You Say Something)

Scotch helps. It helps Lena forget to check her phone to see if Kara texted her. Of course she hasn’t. The scotch dulls the sting of the reminder. It makes Lena almost numb. Almost. She used to be unable to look at her phone without at least one message from Kara about lunch or dogs or how sunny it was out. But they’ve been replaced with nothing, and that’s all Lena can feel a lot of the time. Nothing, or the harsh, bitter loneliness that clings to her like an old friend. 

Lena knew she had been right all along. There’s nobody she can trust, but the darkness that followed her for her whole life remains. It is almost a comfort, and she can use it to her advantage. She can focus on more important things without the distraction of Kara Danvers. It’s better this way. That’s what she tries to tell herself. 

But Kara had made her so happy. Kara had made Lena laugh with reckless abandon. She’d shown Lena how to be happy. It’s clear to Lena that the relationship, the _friendship,_ didn’t mean the same thing to Kara, and Lena wonders how many other people Kara makes happy, just to betray that trust with obliviousness and indecision. Lena hates herself because a part of her longs for Kara in any capacity; flawed or not, but an even larger part of Lena knows that she would ruin it. Like she ruins everything. She can’t be trusted to be a good friend to Kara just as much as Kara is to blame. 

In many ways, Lena was better when Kara was around. She was more open and willing to be vulnerable with friends, and it was nice to have support in her work. Now there’s nobody to tell her ideas to and nobody but her to question their morality; something she’s never been good at doing alone. There’s nobody to stop her anymore. She hates that she has to worry about that. Still, everything she works on reminds her of Supergirl. Every piece of equipment in her lab is an invention to help the DEO or Supergirl, and Kara had written an article about everything else. Even after their friendship broke, reminders of Kara remain to taunt Lena. 

Even the weather of National City seems to mock Lena. The seemingly endless brightness and warmth are a direct contrast to what her life feels like without Kara. And it stings even more because of what Lena thinks they could have been, might have been one day. They were great and supportive and they weren’t perfect, but they were _good_ together. They could have been unstoppable. No amount of scotch can clear that thought from her head. Breaking the glass of their framed photo didn’t help at all either. 

Lena hates that Kara betrayed her but she hates even more that she can’t bring herself to hate Kara, despite how much she wants to. All she can think about is Kara’s kindness. 

It’s so much easier to give in to the darkness when Kara’s not around and it terrifies Lena. All she wants is for Kara to stroll through her office doors like nothing ever happened so they can consume way too many calories and not talk about work. Lena wishes she didn’t want that. She wishes she didn’t crave Kara’s gentle hands and sure smile as she tells Lena that she is _good._

She hates herself for needing someone to tell her that she'd good.

But she can feel the void that exists between them now, growing with every moment they continue not to speak. Lena can see it in Kara’s eyes. She can see Kara slowly giving up on her, she can tell that Kara is done supporting her. She can see Kara is surrendering; that Lena is not worth fighting for anymore. Lena wants more than anything to surrender too, but she’s not sure what that means and she was taught to never be so weak, so she carries on enraged that she can't hate Kara. She hates herself instead.

**Author's Note:**

> come yell at me on tumblr :)


End file.
